I began 2010 with the following 4 prayers.
- To be steadfast in my love for God and others.
- To mature in my pursuit as a proverbs 31 woman
- To be a patient mother and to be graceful in disciplining
- To have control over my mouth, the way I speak and the words I speak.
God gave me ample opportunities to grow in these areas. There were tests- real life tests to see how I scored. Just when I thought I learned about steadfast love towards God and others ( both horizontally and vertically) I realized I was an utter failure and failed miserably. What started out as a desire to exercise “love” as in 1 cor 13 in the beginning of the year turned out to be a cry or more like a plea at the end of the year praying, “God, as far as possible, help me to be at peace with these people.” I struggled with unforgiveness and had many cave like or wilderness experiences like David.
The reason why I was in the pursuit of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman was because, when I first came to the Lord, I came from a background that was broken. Years later, I am still the only believer in my family. As a first generation christian, I have struggled not knowing the practical implications of christian womanhood. For example I had no clue what it was to have the beauty of a gentle and a quiet spirit as a woman of God, nor did I know that this was precious to God. Even if someone had this virtue, I did not have the wisdom to discern it, much less desire it. Thank God for His word and the Holy Spirit that brings us conviction in various areas in our lives. This past year, I was able to notice how God was growing this gentle and quiet spirit in me.
This year was also the year I worked hard; harder than any other years in my life. I was on call 24/7 with no pay. I was at home working from 5.30 in the morning to 10.30 at night when my husband was commuting to and fro 150 miles to work. Sometimes I did not talk to an adult for 16-17 hrs straight.When the kids were sick I did not have a hand to pass them to. Combined with the sickness of the early pregnancy I was banging at God’s door of provision and healing everyday.
I thank God for providing good neighbors and church friends who stepped in to help me out many days and on the days God did not provide help, He was teaching me to handle pressure without breaking and I needed just that. I learned an important lesson during this time and that is Anything that makes me want God is a blessing. In the days that followed, this became my definition of “blessings”. Very soon my husband’s long hours of commute and work became a blessing because I depended on God, I wanted God to help me in this situation. Pretty soon, the sickness and the children, and loneliness and all these hurdles became blessings in different ways. Towards the end of the year, there was no complaining and I learned that, by God’s grace, with strength and dignity, I can laugh at the things to come like the Proverbs 31 woman, though the circumstances looked bleak and hopeless from outside.