I have been told a lie by someone. I don’t remember who did this to me, But I believed that person. I don’t know if it was said by one person or many.. But it went deep down inside me. It did some work there.
And the lie is – ” I am not lovable when I am weak. I am not lovable because I don’t have it together. I am not lovable because I lack goodness. I am not lovable because I don’t measure up to somebody else.”
All my life I worked hard to make myself lovable. Sometimes I was too tired focusing on my performance, so I burned out and blew it big time. Then I regretted that I did not have it together. All my life I see me struggling to measure up to some standards, so finally I could be lovable.
Even after I became a believer, this did not change. Yes I was thankful that God loved me. Yes, I was thankful that he died for me. And while I was yet a sinner, he chose to die for me. I knew it. I guess, I was too ashamed to take it for granted. I had always believed in performing, and bringing something of my own to the table. So I worked hard to make myself lovable to God. I did it out of my love to God wanting to prove myself faithful.
I could not love others when they did not measure up. I hated to see sin in others and hated them too. Forgiveness was hard for me, and was always conditional. Today, I see it was because I myself did not receive the love of God. I secretly expected people to perform.
Today, I’m burned out. I am done performing. I come to the throne of grace. I lay my crowns of performance down. I receive your love Lord. Help me to believe you love me when I m weak. You love me when I blow it. you love me when I don’t measure up. you love me when I feel like a total sinner.
Thank you for that understanding. Thank you for that love. I receive it.