I started the year 2011, pregnant with our son in my body and pregnant with a lot of prayers and visions in my mind. Before I write of any accomplishments of the year ( my filthy rags) and the things I did in Christ, let me say, this year was a year of discoveries.
I discovered my sinfulness and in desperateness of that awareness, I discovered His grace that abounds!
I discovered that, I exist in two modes. The first mode which is the self sufficient mode, highly productive and works towards self glorification and the second mode which is the grace mode, very vulnerable and not very pretty which works towards God glorification. I discovered that though blood bought and redeemed and sustained by Christ, I have a tendency to run in the self sufficient mode seeking my glory.
Another great discovery or awareness the Lord gave was that, I am responsible for my responses. I had never in my life thought that, the normal I see around me might not be normal to God at all. That is when, being counter cultural hit me home hard. I started to see that I cannot respond to situations the way I thought was normal or that because everybody else did so. To be very specific, I had a tendency to build walls around me when hurt, not to get myself hurt again. I thought that was something that has to be done to protect me, so I could function better.
I did not know that building a wall around me, though seems the very normal thing to do, was leading me towards prideful self protection, and totally opposite to Christ like servant hood. To know that, God views my responses as evil as the situation could be and that he holds me accountable to my responses, taught my heart to crave for godly responses in every situation.
Another discovery was that my love for God was motivated by fear. I know this is exactly opposite to what the scripture says “perfect love casts out fear”. I was able to discover that, behind much of my devotions, and good works, there was fear… fear of my life falling apart again, fear of loss, fear of reproach and failures. John the Baptist said, But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.” Mathew 3:7,8
If anything should change in the coming year, I pray that I would become grace dependent, I would produce fruits of repentance, I would be mindful of bearing fruits keeping with repentance, I would employ godly responses in every situation which requires much dying of myself and always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.2Cor 4:10