“Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?”
I have said the above verse in my life many times when the Spirit of God let me seen my sin and my reaction was total disgust.
There are also other times as of recent, when I said this in total disgust of myself when I loaned the eyes of others to view me.
And that is what you do often when you need a closure, but denied one!
I haven’t asked God for much in my life. As a child in 9th grade, when I knelt at my beside and asked Jesus to come into my heart, there was a side of me dragging down, so low to the ground in sadness of how I was falling apart, and there was side of my heart, reaching so high to the roof with desires to live for God. At 14, it was not hard to see, I had a head full of ideas and a heart full of God.
I haven’t asked much from God but I asked God to use me. I told Him, I will go all the way with Him, over and over. When my sibling was oohed an aahed for her beauty and wits, I didn’t ask much from God, but to use me. I prayed the prayer of Jabez, before I ever knew that prayer existed in the bible. “God, expand my territories, make me a blessing.” if my walls and pillows could speak, they would pray that first.
I haven’t asked much from God but I asked him to use me.
So He ordained the tool of losses!
At 15, I lost the GPA I needed. At 18, I lost the entrance exam to Medical College. At 18, I lost my father. At 30, I lost my daughter, and at 38, I lost the community I invested in for 14 years.
I have worn grief all over me like I wear sleeves. But nothing hurts like having to re-adapt to a new normal every time God chisels away something precious to me. You can invest your money in different places so you won’t loose all of them at once. But we who are fools of God, and rightly so, invest our blood and sweat for 14 years to build lives and so easily evil snatches it all away and we are bereft of everything meaningful.
It is a beautiful thing to visit the grave of my father and daughter. I know that their spirits are waiting for our reunion. I can cry and grieve and there is place to visit with flowers and the surrounding is serene and peaceful. I had my closure and I have moved on.
When Closure is Denied
What if the losses were snatched by evil? What do you do when there was no closure allowed in a relational crises? When you were betrayed and slandered and had to move on in spite of the loss of reputation and relationships?
I bereave. I grieve. and I continue to grieve. Until God comes thru, I grieve. Like a bereaved mother I beat my chest in agony and cry.I write and erase and I write again until hope comes through in my writing. I am a writer and not a stuffer.
I am glad the Psalmist was a writer and not a stuffer, so I cry with the Psalmist through the pages of agony. I see Moses stuffing his grief and David ranting his grief. The methods are different but most importantly, they all did it before the face of God.
Bereaving Without Closure
Ask me what bereavement is and I will tell you it is an intense pain almost becoming an accomplice of your emotions and taking you through a rollercoaster ride of grief.
This accomplice catches you at the moment you open your eyes. It remains with you eating your emotional energy and draining you for no good cause.
Sometimes, you manage to pray and preach the gospel to yourself but for a person like me who is wired to be a writer and not stuffer, preaching the gospel is mostly turning out to be forcing me to be a stuffer.
So bereavement also feels like carrying a baby you never conceived and want to eject out from your body with every growing nausea.
Bereavement can be feeling the worst and hating yourself at a moment and telling God you didn’t care for His script.
Bereavement is making pots and pots of soup and folding baskets of laundry, hugging and praying over your brood, singing nursery rhymes and making animal sounds while tears flow through the eyes. A functional bereft mom, I call myself!
Bereavement is finally wiping your tears and still be able to tell God, its okay, I know you are good and your promises are good, I worship you. I am not asking much, but will you use me? Will you enlarge my territories? Will you make me a blessing? Will you help me love you through this?
Bereavement is a dance that will take you 10 steps back in grief right after you prayed that prayer…and you do that all over again, to feel hope rise in you enough to pray again,